I’m having a flare. And when I say flare, I mean it in every sense of the name. I hurt. All over! Everywhere. But I don’t look sick. I don’t look like much of anything other than aggravated. Even my nostrils are flaring. I hate that I stay so ill all the time. I am ill because I don’t feel good. I am ill because I am ill and sometimes mean to those I care about because whatever nerve I have left in me, they seem to stay on my last one. And why? These are people I love. This isn’t their fault. I don’t fully understand what is happening to me at this point, how on earth should they understand it?
Am I the only one who is constantly concerned with what I’m not doing that I know I should be doing for my family? The things they expect me to do, but I can’t today. I just can’t today. I hurt. And then the next day I wake up with the good intention of doing things I didn’t do the day before, but still, fall short. Why do I feel like such a failure? I know I’m not. I mean, they are all still alive right? If nothing else, I have accomplished keeping them alive and well this long. And they’re loved. They know it most of the time.
I’m still new to this MCTD and RA thing. I don’t know if this symptom or that symptom is from MCTD or RA. I’ve done some research on both and there’s a great deal out there about RA. When it comes to MCTD there’s such conflicting information it’s hard to make heads or tails out of it. My rheumatologist asked me if I had any questions and like a dummy, I replied with a certain “no”. But I have so many questions I guess I just didn’t know where to start. I should make a journal or a list or something for my next visit, but as you can tell, I can get pretty long-winded. I haven’t mastered the skill to end one of these blog posts fashionably but stick with me. It’s only my second post.