Every day I think about things I should be blogging about. They are so random and come into my little bird-brain yet when I come to WordPress to share them with the world, they’re gone. Where do they go?
Where does my brain go when I walk somewhere as close as the other side of the bedroom? I get there, assuming I had a reason for coming, and it’s gone. I have no clue. So I do what any logical person would do, I start looking for whatever it is that got me there in the first place. And so begins a treasure hunt. I am searching through random stuff in an area of the room for, what the hell am I here for???? And I need not mention the number of times I get sidetracked in my hunt for what I am doing in the first place. How do you get side tracked from being side tracked from, again, what the hell am I here for?
I used to play it off and grab something and go back to my seat with whatever treasure it was I frantically found. Now, it happens so much that a continued golden globe actress performance only makes me look like a forgetful crack-head.
We’ve all had times like this. Not everyone can blame a disease or constant pain so at least, I do have a culprit. But just how far will this fogginess go? What can I do about it? If I found a workaround, would I even remember what it was? Probably not.
It’s an evil cycle because you are self-aware that you aren’t at the top of your game when you’re off. You are self-aware but you don’t want anyone else to notice. Trying to hide it only makes it worse and throws you further off track. See, I have noticed that If I stay focused, at least half of the time, I can work it out in my head without being noticed. However, if I forget and then get nervous that I have done so, I seemingly throw myself into a loop.
Why do I care what anyone else thinks? Should it really matter? I mean, I am at home in my own house. These people should understand. Right? Wrong, I care because I don’t want anyone to know just how maddening this disease is for me at times. I don’t want to be a burden on anyone. I need to be the one that harbors all of the pain and worry, not my family.
Having a disability leaves you feeling very lonely. This is why so many of us turn to blogging. We want to be heard. We want to see if anyone else is dealing with the same struggles. We want to know these things, but we don’t want to be found out. We don’t want anyone’s pity. We want someone to hear our cry for help even though we are too proud to cry. We want spoons. Extra spoons. (Google it if you don’t know) We want to know that we aren’t the only people on this Earth who feel the need to silently cry for help, while also knowing there is nothing that can be done. We just have to be strong and carry on. And we do. We keep on keeping on because if there is one thing we all agree on, it’s that we are strong beyond our own realization. We tread through life that would exhaust those who don’t know what true tiredness is.